October Awesome

This post couldn't have come at a better time for me.  I've been so blue lately....lots of job angst and obligations, feeling like I have no one to do anything fun with, and probably the most depressing....being away from my best friend.  Having no clear cut plan for our family to be together again is weighing heavily on my mood also.  So before I get even more depressed by typing it all out, maybe it will help to think about little things that are awesome.  Here goes:

• Getting something with actual handwriting on it in the mail (I actually received a mailer from some real estate agent with his card attached to the Chiefs schedule but he hand addressed the envelopes....that's kind of impressive.  And in its own way, even though I didn't know him, it warmed my heart)
• Walking into class and seeing a substitute teacher - Because you just know it's going to be a "blow off" day.
• When the person you're meeting is even later than you are - You're sweating bullets all the way there, watching the clock, racing through traffic, and then they're not there.  They walk in, apologetic about being late, and you don't even have to admit that you were too.  You just get to be the gracious one, saying "Oh, it's fine."
• Dropping your cell phone on the sidewalk and then realizing it's totally fine - No cracked screen.  Whew!
• The last couple of hours before the weekend - I work for Cerner so I can't relate to this.  I never stop working.
• Good mail days - Coupons, packages, invitations.  I need a day like this!!
• Riding your bike really late at night when the streets are completely empty - I'm not sure I agree.  That sounds slightly terrifying.
• The moment on your vacation when you forget what day of the week it is - I guess a beach vacation might be like that but when you travel with the Blanchard boys (especially Max), you better have the day scheduled.  We try to fit in as much as possible and while it's always a great vacation, it's not exactly relaxing.  
• That person who helps you parallel park - I don't usually attempt parallel parking because I flat out flunked that section on my driver's test but yes, I get this.  Someone saying "Come on back.  You're good.  You still have a good foot left before you hit the car behind you."
• Peeling that sticky glue off the back of your new credit card - I actually had that same kind of glue on my computer screen to hold my screen protector in place.  The other day, I finally had had enough of people complaining that they couldn't see my screen so I took it off.  The sticky glue remained.  So yesterday on the flight home, I peeled it off and it was oddly satisfying.
• Seeing a license plate from your home state somewhere really, really far away - I actually think this will make me sad when I move to Colorado.  I hope not though.  And I could care less about seeing a MO or KS license plate if I'm someplace cool like California.
• Jumping into a big pile of leaves - I think this may be more fun in theory.  And I can say that I don't think I've done it since I was a kid.  I'm fairly certain that whoever rakes up leaves now would probably also have sticks and branches in that pile.  Ouch.
• Picking up something that turns out to be a lot lighter than you expected. - Still, to this day, I try to help people put their suitcases in the overhead bin when I'm on a flight.  (Old habits die hard) I'm thrilled when someone has a light suitcase.
• That clicking sound of winding something up - Like an egg timer?  I don't really get why this is awesome.
• Napping with somebody else - The BEST!  Curling up with my babies, getting to nap with Rich.....heaven.
• That feeling in your stomach when you go really high on the swings - Same feeling that I got when my dad would drive fast over the hills going to Aunt Lena and Uncle Oran's.  It makes your stomach flip.
• When you learn a new word and then suddenly start seeing it everywhere - This is a law or something.  Seriously.  I just told someone the other day that if you learn a new word, you'll start hearing it over and over.  Weird.
• Smelling a neighbor's chimney when you're out walking around - Or better than that....someone's BBQ.  Mmm.
• When your fries order has a few onion rings stashed in the mix - Mine is the opposite.  I usually order rings and am excited when I get a few fries with my order.
• Stomping dry crunchy leaves on the sidewalk - Yes, I do think this is awesome and it actually inspires me to want to take a walk.
• When your pet notices you're in a bad mood and comes to see you - I can't relate.
• Finally peeing after holding it forever - I pee all the time due to the amount of water I ingest but yes, peeing is awesome.  Especially when you consider the alternative.
• Listening to couples tell you how they met - This makes me wonder how my mom and dad met.  I seriously need to ask them.  I do know I love telling people how Rich and I met.
• Tiny little kids dressed up for Halloween - Tiny little kids are awesome to begin with.  I feel sure that my calling is to do something with kids.  Maybe I need grandkids.  But dressed up for Halloween....the cute meter is on overload.
• When you find out your new place has a really good shower - I think this should be an integral part of house shopping.  You can't buy the house until you've taken a shower there.
• Taking a spin on a shopping cart - This is so Tucker.  He wants the cart at Costco so he can run and jump on it and ride it all the way to the lady that checks our receipts.  One of these days he's going to mow someone down but in the mean time, if it makes him happy, so be it.
• Strategic trick or treating - Oh, man....I remember this.  You knew who gave the good candy so you went there first, then you plotted your route so you could hit as many houses as possible.  

Stay tuned for November awesome.

Do Whatever The Fuck You Want

Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace

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Every damn time someone in my facebook feed posts something like this, I click it. Every damn time.

We all have this facebook friend, right? People you genuinely love and admire. People you like hanging out with. People you invite to your birthday parties. You know. Actual friends. Until you’ve clicked links exactly like this again and again and again. For YEARS. And all of a sudden, you start to wonder if this is some elaborate hoax, if you’ve actually just been reading the same article over and over.

It’s not like I have anything against happiness, or success, or meditation, or yoga, or being nice, or smiling more, or eating healthy, or losing weight, or being your best you, or embracing the day with a positive attitude. Those all sound great. Honestly, they do. And there are some really smart, simple truths to be found in all of those articles. There truly are.

It’s just that I have a problem with being told to do all of those things by skinny blonde ladies laughing on a beach wearing yoga pants.

Don’t believe me? Take the challenge. Next time you read one of these articles, I dare you not to play Inspirational Photo Bingo:

Don’t believe me? Compiling these photos took LESS THAN FOUR MINUTES.

I can’t fucking remember the last time I pranced around a tropical island paradise waving a white scarf around my head as a professional photographer snapped a picture, but I bet if I did, I’d be a whole lot happier too.

Below please find my version of this article, that I want to share with you, the internet. May it bring you all the inner peace you can cram into your backpacking gear right before downward dogging it atop that mountain at sunrise.

1. Do whatever the fuck you want.
2. Do whatever the fuck you want.
3. Seriously, do you want that burger? Then just fucking eat a burger. Don’t be gross about it, and don’t eat a burger three meals a day. But I beg you, women and image-conscious male humans of the world, stop beating yourself up about it and just eat the fucking burger.
4. Do whatever the fuck you want.
5. Have good friends. Call them. Complain a little. That’s what friends are for. Return the favor. Don’t be a shitty friend.
6. Learn how to laugh about farts. Fart more. Laugh about it.
7. Be incessantly curious about the world around you! Experience art, science, beauty, and nature! But stop beating yourself up on those nights when you just want to sit your ass on the couch and watch reruns of Friends. 
8. Smile when you feel like smiling. Laugh whenever you fucking feel like laughing. Pro tip: Being told to ‘laugh more’ is not going to make you laugh more. Being told to ‘smile more’ is not going to make you smile more.
9. Make time for yourself. After you’ve run that 5K, started a load of laundry, harvested your organic vegetable garden, run to the bank, paid the bills, dazzled everyone with recipes that are cost-effective, healthy, and delicious, thought of something witty and clever to share with your social networking site, caught up on current events and politics, and cleaned all of the house, that special hour set aside just for you is so critical to your well-being.*
   10. Do whatever the fuck you want.
   11. Don’t care what other people think. Unless they’re right. In which case, fucking humble yourself enough to listen to them.
   12. Do. Whatever. The Fuck. You Want.

Do what you want. Be your damn self. Don’t be a terrible person. Be nice to others. Be supportive of your friends and allow yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt when they want to try something new, like rescuing shelter dogs, or making performance art in the nude, or dating terrible people. They’re your friends and you love them, and if they suck, stop being their friend. Show up for work. Pay your bills. Find some fucking purpose in your life, and figure out a way to share that purpose with others in a way that isn’t sanctimonious and doesn’t involve a picture of a woman laughing at an empty beach. Smile because something makes you smile. Laugh because you’ve surrounded yourself by people who make you laugh, and they’re funny fucking people, and you’re happy to be with them. Dance because you’re drunk at a big dance party with your friends and Michael Jackson is playing, not because ‘no one is watching.’ Everyone is watching. We’re at a fucking party. That’s how parties work.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

And the next time one of you has the kind of spare cash around to take a prancercise vacation to a tropical island, for the love of all that is holy please bring me with you. I am excellent at waving scarves around but even better at buying drinks with tiny umbrellas.

*And I don’t even HAVE KIDS! Or a husband! Or a boyfriend! I can’t even imagine how condescending that advice must feel to working moms. As someone who works all the time and can barely remember which day of the week the trash gets taken out: making time for yourself seems like one of the cruelest bits of advice of all. I’ll make plenty of time for myself. ONCE I FINISH ALL OF THE THINGS.

September Awesome

• When little kids clearly dressed themselves and look hilarious (To be fair, little kids are hilarious all the time)
• When you get the milk-to-cereal just right (although drinking that sweet milk at the bottom is perfection also)
• Finding out your birthday is on a Friday or Saturday next year (When I was at United, our birthdays were considered a holiday....so you could either have double pay or the day off; either one was pretty fabulous)
• The feeling of scrunching sand in your feet (Two words:  Seaside, FL)
• Finding a mix tape given to you by an old boyfriend (This kind of makes me sad because no one has ever given me a mix tape)
• The Five-Second Rule (used only for about a week after the cleaning ladies have been here.  After that, it gets a little dicey)
• Successfully multitasking while on the phone (Now that I'm at Cerner, I've become brilliant at using the speaker phone.  Folding laundry, putting on makeup, unpacking; etc. - all while taking a conference call)
• Taking your bra off after wearing it for hours (A man will never know this freedom)
• Getting in a line just before it gets long (Doesn't matter where it is.  After standing in line and then turning to look to see bazillions of people behind you, it's so nice to think "At least I'm ahead of all you suckers!")
• The smell and sound of a campfire (This is only a valid awesome when in the actual vicinity of a campfire.  Afterwards, when the smell is in your clothes - no bueno!)
• The Parking Lot Pull Through (So much easier than having to back out of the space!)
• Laugh lines on people's faces (All of my lines on my face are either from smiling too much or laughing too much....both of which I'm proud to have)
• Seeing a helium balloon way up in the sky somewhere (I beg to differ!  This is possibly one of the saddest sights ever.  I think it stems from how much trouble I got in when Charlie lost his balloon and I got blamed for it)
• When someone lands on the hotel you just built in Monopoly (To be fair, I get excited when someone lands on property.  Any time you're playing with Rich, you don't usually get to the point of having hotels.  He's very competitive at Monopoly)
• A good floss after a tough steak (This is 100% true but I am a fiend when it comes to flossing.  Love that feeling!)
• Paying for something with exact change (I rarely use cash but yes, I can see the validity of this)
• High fiving babies (or any other face to face time with babies, in my opinion!)
• Talking about how much the meal you're eating at home would cost at a restaurant (I'm fairly certain no restaurant would serve the same food I serve at home but it does feel good when you figure out the cost per person of said meal)
• Finding food in nature and eating it (I more prefer finding food at Panera and eating it but whatever)
• Peeing in a lake (keeps the fish away, that's for sure)
• The sound of a solid crack from a good break in billiards (I don't really shoot pool but I'll take your word for it)
• Bowling celebrations (Cuz a strike isn't nearly as fun unless you can cheer for yourself and make everyone give you high fives!)
• Pulling a weed and getting all the roots with it (This is probably my favorite on this list.  I used to tell my mom that I would do the weeding at the lake for this reason alone)
• When the only other person going up in the elevator is going to the same floor as you (Better than this is having no one in the elevator with you)
• Taking a deep breath of fresh air in the middle of nowhere (or on a slope all by yourself with fresh powder at Beaver Creek)

New Ways of Posting Awesome

I find that I don't really like the commentary that's on the "Awesome" calendar as much as I like the awesome items themselves.  So rather than have 365 postings just on awesomeness, I'll post the items themselves once a month.  Better.

The rest of the August awesome things are: (in no particular order)

• Not getting a hangover when you were expecting one (or better yet, don't overdo in the first place!)
• The Laugh Echo (This needs some explaining.  This is when you laugh out loud after suddenly remembering something funny that happened a while ago.  You know who does this?  Tucker.)
• Leaving your alarm clock on so you can enjoy shutting it off and sleeping in on a weekend morning.  (IMO, this is just kind of stupid.  If I left my alarm on, it would wake me up and I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.)
• When you're driving late at night on an empty gas tank and suddenly a gas station appears on the horizon.  (Or better yet, don't let your tank go below a 1/4 of a tank.  That advice is straight from Bill Hensley.)

I'll post more of these next month. 

Awesome - August 26

Ironically, I've already written about this in my blog before....which leads me to believe that I'm a pro at recognizing AWESOME. :)

When the vending machine gives you two instead of one

It's snacking time.

Yes, that free treat is great because, first of all, now's your chance to play Santa to an unsuspecting coworker.  Got someone who could use a Kit Kat fix?  Of course you do.  So share the wealth and give yourselves a break together.  It's Christmas at the office again.

Secondly, no matter how much you try, you can't return the free snack.  No, there's no wedging your hand back up there and throwing it back into its Metal Spiral Jail Cell.  So ditch the guilt and smile back at the Gods of Snacking for they have smiled down upon you.

And you deserve it.

Awesome!

Lisa's thoughts:  Or you don't have to share at all. ;)  Plus, it's karma for all those times that the vending machines eat your money.

Awesome - August 25

You three that MIGHT be reading this will probably not relate to this and especially my two boys who insist they don't want kids....which is fine for awhile for you to have that attitude....but one of these days, that attitude has to change.  Because this mama wants to be a grandmama before she dies.

Playing with a baby and not having to change its diaper.

It's great playing with babies until it's that time of the afternoon.  You know what I'm talking about.  Mommy or Daddy pops in, picks up the baby, does the classic Reverse Angle Diaper Peek move, and finds a little chocolate factory working overtime back there.

When they say "Looks like somebody needs a changing!", that's your cue to slink off silently to the kitchen or bathroom.  The party's on pause during your daring Dirty Diaper Dash but it's back on ten minutes later when you casually show up and ask, "Hey, can I play with the baby again?"

Awesome.

Lisa's thoughts:  You never mind changing your OWN children's diapers.  But this is why I think grandbabies will be so awesome.  I can just pass them over to you when I don't want to do the dirty work.  Plus, and this should come as no surprise, I LOVE BABIES!!

Awesome - August 24

Yesterday Tucker mentioned to me that just as someone was asking him if I was at church, he received a notice on his phone about some microwave popcorn thing.  ha!  I had forgotten that Rich, Max, and Tucker get notices when I post something on this blog.  Terrific!  Because we all four need to start noticing little moments of awesomeness.  It will help change our outlook.

The Other Side of the Pillow

On nights when you just can't sleep, one of the greatest things ever invented is simply turning over the pillow.  Yes, flipping over your pillow and checking out the other side takes bed comfort up a few notches and is a simple and easy way to help you relax and get more comfortable.

The other side of the pillow, folks. Because it's flat when you're sagging, fresh when you're stale, and cold when you're hot.

Awesome!

Lisa's thoughts:  The number one reason that flipping your pillow over at night is so awesome is just the sheer refreshment of feeling something cool against your face.